I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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