We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
