I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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