Someone shit on the floor
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
