my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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