I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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