i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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