I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
