Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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