I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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