thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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