If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
