Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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