besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
