I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
