I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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