So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
She announced her abortion via fbk
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
