I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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