So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
