i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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