it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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