i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize