My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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