I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
