dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
