I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize