Betty ford says i'm here all night
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
