So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Pooping to opera.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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