"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I have tasted many bathrooms
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
