yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
