If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
