so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You are a genius and a whore.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
