just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
