It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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