It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
