so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
