I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
