i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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