My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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