I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
