remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
