Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
