I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
