M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
It's shark week go big or go home
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
