I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
