Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
