Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
