It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
