I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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