and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
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