Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Also, beer. Big fan.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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