I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
They have beer where we have blood.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
