is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I fill condoms, not promises.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
