Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
this is an emotional support booty call
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize