i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
