just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
