He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
