just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
