how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Randomize
