Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
