Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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