In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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