saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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