i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize