I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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