I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
