I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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