Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
