The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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